did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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