We named our party play list daddy issues
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
