I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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