every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I can't put those talents on a resume
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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