Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Randomize
