Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
