as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize