so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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