Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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