sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
