am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
