I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I am spending my child support on dildos
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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