The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
