He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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