I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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