Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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