Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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