My nipple is on Facebook.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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