Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize