Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
