Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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