At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I love you.
Bad choice
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
