I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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