I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Randomize
