you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
This baby is an asshole
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
