So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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