if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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