Small penises have feelings too.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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