i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
