Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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