I heard we made out
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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