He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
