I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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