i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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