I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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