I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
