I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
