I got chris browned last night
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
