Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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