I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
