fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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