All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
