Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
