You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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