so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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