oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
