you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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