I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
