Need sex. Gaining weight.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
