Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
