Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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