i barfeds in our rink
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
