What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
