I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
