Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
