nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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