We got so high we made milksteak
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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