The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
